hurt

"Relationships of trust depend on our willingness to look not only to our own interests, but also the interests of others."

(Peter Farquharson)

Disappointment in our relationships often comes from feeling betrayed by the other person. But how often, in that sense of betrayal, are we the ones betraying the relationship?

Good relationships are built on trust. Trust involves an expectation that your needs and life will be taken into consideration before the other person chooses to act. It would be a perfect world if, in all relationships, each person took the other persons needs, feelings and desires into account at every moment and made all of their choices with a sense of perfect balance between that and their own.

Because relationships involve two people in constant change, this is very difficult to do. Trust then becomes part an expectation that you will be taken in consideration (as the person considers themselves) and that no matter what the outcome, that the two of you will seek to repair or strengthen the relationship after.

Where problems arise is when your reaction to the other's choice let's go of the basis of their trust in you. If you are hurt, the tendency is to blame the other person - without a mindful consideration of their needs, feelings and desires. One small harm to trust now becomes two because both of you are perceiving the other as acting without consideration.

Reality check, we often do not communicate as clearly as we think we do. We often make choices in which - even though we have taken the other person in consideration, we have chosen to put ourselves first and that is ok. We often expect people to act perfectly towards us in ways we define, but that definition is often done from a place that does not include a consideration of the other.

Good relationships allow for both people to participate in repairing the relationship when harm is done to their mutual trust. Repairing a relationship first and foremost requires that you become able to see how much of your hurt is based in you and your history, and how much was intentionally or inadvertently created by the other. You do not repair a relationship by demanding that the other person do exactly what you want. You repair a relationship by both recognizing how the hurt began and finding ways to avoid it in the future.

Good relationships are not so much work, as they are dynamic. You must constantly be willing to redefine and retrust the person as you change and both of you must willingly seek to create experiences of trust with each other on a daily basis.