Expectations

Our expectations shape our efforts and our ability to form commitments.

Unfortunately, most of us understand having an "expectation" as  having a fairly firm picture of what will happen or what an effort will bring. In a manner of speaking, having an expectation is viewed almost like having a guarantee, it is a projection of what will be.

There are several areas of life in which using expectation in this way is easy. Just about everyone knows what to expect when there is a disaster or something goes wrong, illness or some kind of sorrow. Being unhappy carries with it a guarantee of what will happen. We can project what will come - more unhappiness and then a hope of things getting better.

Two areas of life that completely lack guarantees and therefore are hardest for us to form expectations of are love and happiness. The potential in both of these is limited to polar opposites - either we expect absolute failure or success. Only we have very little idea of what success in either area looks or feels like. In the moment we do, we know that love and happiness feels great, but unlike our experience of sadness, trying to imagine what it would be like to be in love or be happy day in and day out for years is hard to imagine because it does not have the kind of resolution we are used to with sadness.

Knowing what to expect, being able to imagine what is coming, gives you a sense of security and control even if what you are imagining is not a happy or good circumstance. Not knowing what to expect and being unable to imagine what is possible (except for extremes) can cause fear, discomfort and a flight towards what is known.

If you have never experienced a good and lasting love relationship, if you have never experienced what lasting happiness is - then when you begin to encounter it you will feel unsettled, frightened and uncomfortable.

Both of these things involve the ability to accept what is unknown, to welcome change because you have faith in your own ability to change and grow. It requires you to accept that you cannot see the future, you can work towards your ideal of it but you have to acknowledge that everything you imagine is based upon the past and in no way foreshadows the potential for happiness and love.

Letting go of a need for surety in love and happiness allows you to become safe and centered in it because you become able to respond to what is needed in the moment.

Losing your expectations for trying to imagine what will be and focusing your expectations on yourself and your ability to do what it takes to grow and respond positively is what is required to build and sustain happiness and love.

We do not know what love will bring, or happiness for that matter. And both contain the potential for painful loss. This is what makes them frightening. If you remain unaware of this fear you will miss when you choose to flee from love and happiness back into the surety of expectation of unhappiness and loneliness.