sing-a-ling

The Mad Kitten is an American Ring Tail cat. All this means is that she has a little genetic tweak that when she is happy and relaxed her tail is curled up in a ring. She looks like a teapot most of the time.

And then, while poking around on the Internet, I discovered that she is not only an American Ring Tail cat, but something called a Sing-a-Ling. Because when she is happy and sees you she makes this really odd sound, she sings.

American Ring Tail Sing-a-Ling

It figures.

I have been buried in a million things. Still trying to get the mobile site done and it is getting there. The entire workshop in English is up and hopefully, by the end of the day I will have the English poems loaded (about a 100, from the Greedy Heart and Feast of Bones collections).

And then there are a million other details flying around and I literally feel like I am slogging through waist high mud but steadily approaching dry land. Secret plans abound :)

But back to the whole process of coming full circle and having all these pieces that have been in my life suddenly be revealed to be puzzle pieces and suddenly start to fit together...

there are two things happening I want to talk about because...I have had to search long and hard to come up with anyone else talking about them to help me through all this.

the first is that, when all your bits become puzzle pieces and begin to fit together, sometimes the picture that begins to be revealed is not the one that you thought it would be and this can reveal that whole paths that you were on were....not wrong, but no longer neccessary in the way that you thought they were. They shift on the ladder of priorities and this can be a very uncomfortable thing.

It is easy to try and declare some things "a waste of time" and abandon them. But they are not, you may have worked very hard on something in one direction thinking it was the big one, when in fact, it is revealed to be only a small piece of something larger that you are only just beginning to see. It doesn't lose its value, but it changes how it fits into the everything.

And it is hard, especially if you have devoted significant amount of time to it as "THE BIG DIRECTION" to not want to either cling to it or, completely throw it away because I think, it is easier to be totally wrong than just slightly.

The second thing is, when you finally start to see your big direction and then commit to it, it is unlike when you committed to smaller ones you only thought were the big one. When you commit then it has the feel of surety to it. Now, its like...walking a fine line between doing something right and doing something absolutely crazy.

No surety. No calm, sense of rightness...but a sense of deep placement and belief.

But you still run around like chicken little wanting someone, anyone, to tell you its the right path. You know it is, you know there is no surety with it, just faith - but you still look.

Funny that. I think that is the hardest thing to let go of, the need or desire for something outside of you to tell you it is ok.

I found two cat towers for the Mad Kitten. One has become known as the cradle and it is next to my desk. Now she can be near me but not like...all up in my business. Unfortunately, she can also reach the desk top and "do things." I spent an hour looking for my keys. It has been raining now for three days and she has been inside the whole time, happy as a clam.

One of the things, the pieces that came together for me was a firm recognition of the nature of my themes in all of my work. It is a part of everything and in something like the City, it is the main theme. And in seeing the theme I was able to follow its thread through the rest of my life and suddenly, everything began to reorder itself in service to it.

My theme would appear to be: reconciliation.

And all of this has spun everything into focus and suddenly, being poor and struggling is not such a big deal. How that part of my situation will change has surprised me, but also entails that I accept that status for a bit longer. In fact, I am about to make myself even more destitute, but for a reason and it is....frankly the only way certain things can be done. Ahhhhhh....you know? My needs are changing, its a beautiful thing.

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