terrible, horrible :)

It never ceases to amaze me how one day can become so infused with meaning, history and weight that it just...sits there like a swollen tick on your life and then it is gone and life is normal again.


Yesterday was my birthday and it was horrible and terrible but also exactly what it needed to be. Now mind you, typically I enjoy my birthday quite a bit but in the leading up to this one - I have had so many changes going in my life, so many things revealed that I knew that this was an "uh-oh" day - witness the nightmares leading up to it. And for once, rather then adopt the attitude of "no-no everything must be perfect and sing-songy at all times" I decided to let the day turn into what it has wanted to be for a while, to for once, validate and let be heard some very painful things.


I am fortunate that I am surrounded by good people who saw this coming and could piece it together from what I have been saying/going through and I spent the day in silence. Letting things come and be acknowledged and letting them go again. As the day drew to an end, I got...of all things...congratulation messages for making it through and offers of lobster dinners. The weather has put off my ride till this weekend but I saw that coming a week ago and was prepared for it and frankly, I think the ride will be better then rather than now.


In the middle of my terrible, horrible day I did something that surprised me (and it got even more terrible and horrible what with my laptop choosing to do the swan dive into the blue screen of death, work and new videos all bundled on it and inaccessible) ....around about 5pm....in the full throes of just a painful existence....I picked up the violin and played. For a solid hour. Not well, not right, but by the end I began to pay attention and correct the bowing and think of pieces I would like to learn.


Sometimes, we do a tremendous disservice to ourselves on our "milestones" like birthdays or other celebrations. Sometimes they are sweeping joyous events that encompass other people and sometimes they are lonely, painful and fraught with realizations. But, we have very few rites of passage left in life. It is interesting to me how important it is to people that they have "good birthdays." I had a bad year, for a lot of reasons, and this was my milestone to mark the end of it. In order to begin the end I had to let it flower and be seen.


And then sit in it.


What prevents it from becoming self-pity is that the sitting in is a part of acknowledgment and recognition. There are moments, I am coming to believe, in which one must face the totality of harm in one's life - harm done to you, harm done by you and most of all, to see the depth of the role you played in giving that harm permission to be. Part of this is also the realistic acknowledgment of what has been lost - opportunities, dreams, beliefs, hope. What you were before something happens, you will never be again. What you have the potential to be after is up to you.


I am 42 years old and I am glad to be here.

I have much to do and plan on getting it done,

while allowing for life and the universe to show me where I have been imagining my possibilities

in terms much smaller then what is actually available to me.

I am in week 4 of the hypnosis thing, week 8 of the change and diet and I am learning how to rescind the permissions I have granted or created that allow myself or other people to cause harm, either through intent or omission, in my life.

I have a sense of purpose and meaning

and that....

makes me more dangerous then the average nuclear bomb.



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